


"Chopper... I thought you were asleep."

by blackeyebruise



Series: Depression Luffy [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Gen, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 09:51:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14329863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackeyebruise/pseuds/blackeyebruise
Summary: Chopper catches Luffy in a state he never likes being seen in. Not for the first time, however.





	"Chopper... I thought you were asleep."

**Author's Note:**

> Additional warning for depressing dialogue.
> 
> Also contains spoilers up to episode 779 / chapter 824, which is about the place in the timeline that this is written to take place in.

When the door swung open, Luffy had just managed to tuck his arm behind him and out of view. Chopper, small legs planted stiffly in the doorway as if to block off any escape, had put the pieces together before Luffy could even say anything.

Still, at some attempt to covering it up, Luffy mumbled from his seat on the kitchen floor, "Chopper... I thought you were asleep." A weak smile was draped across his face, half illuminated by the moonlight bleeding in from the windows on the far wall.

Reminding himself that he needed to be level-headed, Chopper yanked a hold of his emotions, took a deep breath, and gently closed the door behind him before approaching. The guilt in his captain's face only became more and more clear as he moved closer; it reminded him to be slow, careful. Luffy twitched, as if to back away, but at the same time, he knew he couldn't hide it from his crew's doctor.

Chopper sat down in front of his captain. He wouldn't force him. "Luffy," he whispered, emotion in his voice; gentle yet firm. He didn't have to say more. They both knew.

Luffy looked away for a few moments, then relented. Chopper gulped down a gasp, carefully taking hold of his captain's arm as if handling something fragile. A quick look was enough for now; he swiped a towel from the counter and very gently wrapped it around his arm. As much as he wanted to treat it right away, it was nothing life-threatening, and right now, he needed to be there for Luffy more than anything else.

"Sorry." His captain's voice was shaking, and when he looked up, his face had sunk into his free hand.

"Luffy... It's okay." He said that, but Chopper was having trouble keeping his own tears in; still, he wanted to be strong right now, strong for his captain, who was always so, so strong for his crew, but it was in his moments of weakness like these that he most needed someone else to be strong for him. He glanced past Luffy and spotted the glint of the kitchen knife he'd rushed in after catching a whiff of, and moved it silently out of the way, away from Luffy.

"I don't know how it happened," Luffy said, quietly. "The news... I'm sure Sabo is okay, but... What if I lost him, too? And then I started thinking about Ace... And Sanji right now, too. But...Ace... I was too weak, and no matter how strong I become now, I can't get him back. I trained for two years, but for what?" His words kept getting interrupted by the abrupt sobs wrenching his breath in. "He was right in front of me, and I let him slip through my fingers. I'm so weak...so pathetic... Even after two years, what if it happens again? Sanji, Sabo... It feels like they'll disappear if I look away. I thought I could do it, but I'm not strong like I thought... I'm...useless... Worthless..." Chopper opened his mouth to intervene, but he continued.

"If I died trying to become Pirate King, I'd be satisfied with that. I've always felt that way. So why...? Ace, he died with no regrets, so why...? Why couldn't it have been me?"

Already, Chopper was starting to break into tears himself. He had known about this part of Luffy for a long time now, but it never hurt any less seeing him during an episode; everyone's hyperactive, passionate, goofy, confident-to-the-point-of-stupidity Straw Hat captain, shattered to pieces and choking out words that no one could have imagined escaping his throat. He'd been worried sick about Luffy during their two years apart, and once they had met up again, he had asked in private about how Luffy had fared with this, but Luffy had continually avoided talking about it, which only confirmed Chopper's fears. Still, this was the first time he had seen Luffy relapse in person ever since the crew got back together.

"Stay with me, Luffy!" Chopper reached farther to lay a tender, quivering touch on his shoulder. "You're not alone, I'm here with you."

"You shouldn't be," breathed his ghost of a voice. "Not for someone like me." Chopper swallowed, spine racked by a chill; it barely sounded like his captain anymore. He had to keep it together, for Luffy's sake -- but he couldn't. The tears kept spilling out by themselves.

"Luffy, I--" He gritted his teeth, trying and failing to still himself, "Don't blame yourself. Even a doctor, whose job it is to save lives, can't save everyone. It's not always possible, and that's not your fault!"

"I could have done it," Luffy's voice wept, "He was right in front of me. And if Sabo and Sanji disappear while I'm not even there for them--..."

Luffy hated being weak in front of his crew; Chopper knew that. And he could tell that these words were just slipping out of him; he'd lost himself, and could barely hear himself speak. Chopper's emotions were spinning, too.

Chopper tried again. "Sabo and Sanji will be okay. Sabo has lots of friends with him, right? And Sanji, we'll make sure he'll come out of this safe and sound. You have us, Luffy. We'll make sure he comes back safely."

There was a pause before he murmured, "If...If I lose Sanji... There won't be any point to this anymore. Becoming Pirate King... Adventures... Being alive..."

"Don't say things like that," Chopper said in an urgent hush, suppressing how much those words frightened him. "Sanji will come back to us, I'm sure of it."

"Back in Water 7... I didn't know how much it would hurt when someone left the crew. I didn't think anyone ever would." Chopper remembered (though it pained him to) that Luffy had a relapse then, too. "Merry, too. Because I didn't take care of her, she's... I...I'm the worst captain..."

"Luffy, no... You're the best captain I could have asked for! You care about everyone so much, and everyone cares about you, too--" The words were just flooding out of him; he was nearly certain that they wouldn't convince Luffy of anything, but they just kept coming, "Merry and Ace and Sanji and Sabo, they all love you still; it's not your fault!"

Chopper's chest was heaving from the exertion, but Luffy didn't respond; he only cried into the darkness, intensely and wracked with anguish yet choked back so as not to wake the others. Chopper cradled his hand comfortingly, softly whispering that he'd stay with him until morning. He'd stay as long as Luffy needed.

 

// ... //

 

When Chopper drifted awake, blinking sleepily into the warm sunlight greeting him from the windows, he slowly remembered the events of last night and realized that he and Luffy had fallen asleep huddled in the kitchen corner. And in another moment, he realized that...he had never gotten to treating Luffy's arm!!

Luffy himself was still fast asleep, and Chopper carefully removed himself from his lap without waking him. He looked into his friend's face, saddened to see Luffy's eyes dragged down into bags and dried tears running like old cracks down his cheeks. Not waiting another moment, however, he quickly turned himself away to fetch some first aid supplies from the other room.

As he worked, Chopper watched the steady, calm breathing of the sleeping Luffy. Though he was still worried, it was a little relieving to see him resting and at peace, though he didn't know how well Luffy would feel once he woke up. Just as he was thinking about it, though, Luffy began to stir, slowly opening his eyes as Chopper finished up bandaging the arm.

"Good morning, Luffy," Chopper tried to say with a bit of pep in his voice, though the concern on his face was clear as day. Luffy rubbed his eyes with his free hand, but in doing so, felt how sore they already were. Chopper looked at him with a mix of hope and apprehension as he stared blankly out the window, then at his arm, then at Chopper.

"Thanks, Chopper." A faint smile made its way to his face, and Chopper brightened visibly.

"Make sure to take the pills, as usual -- should I get them for you?" he offered, eager to be of assistance. Especially after feeling powerless to help last night...

"No, it's okay. I can do it. Hup..." He bounced to his feet in one easy motion, stopping at the sink to give his face a quick wash and grab a cup of water, then beginning to stride his way out before Chopper called out--

"Luffy!"

Luffy turned, looking at him curiously.

"Are...Are you okay? If you need more time...then you shouldn't push yourself." He was fidgeting, but he wanted to be serious and firm about this. It was his captain's health, after all.

"Yeah, I'm fine." His voice still lacked a portion of his usual energy, but he did seem better now.

"I'm the doctor, so it's my responsibility to make sure everyone is healthy and well," Chopper huffed, as if to re-emphasize his medical authority. "I won't let you neglect your own health, okay?"

Luffy gave him a warm look. "Really...thanks, Chopper. Really."

He still seemed a bit out of it, but his words felt genuine, so Chopper decided not to push it, and let him go. But to his surprise, Luffy stopped again before opening the door to leave. This time, he didn't turn around to look at Chopper.

"Sorry for last night. I said a lot of things that I shouldn't have said. I scared you, didn't I?"

Chopper gulped, unable to deny it. Luffy was silent for a moment before he spoke again.

"We're going to get Sanji back, no matter what it takes."

"Yeah." Chopper nodded, though Luffy wasn't looking at him.

Luffy opened the door and left.

**Author's Note:**

> Essentially, this is a "Luffy has depression" AU, yay! Does it feel OOC? Even if it does, that's what I like about it. My friends associate me with Luffy and I'm like him in some ways, but at the same time, I sure do have depression. For such an extreme duality to exist within one person; it's shocking. So I wanted to imagine such a situation with Luffy, who it's hard to think about being in a state like this.
> 
> The rest of the crew may or may not be aware of this. Jinbei knows about it though, and possibly Law, too. But Chopper knows about it because he tha doctor and he got tha medicationz.
> 
> Still, Chopper isn't the best out of the crew at emotional support. He tries, though.
> 
> Shortly after writing this, I wrote another depression-Luffy fic, which can be found [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14343984)!


End file.
